The difference? I hate it more. This holiday season is not just the usual crap I hate in December, but also I have the heartache, grief, and pain of my Grandma passing this past September. This Christmas, we will be the heartbroken family struggling to deal with our first Christmas without her. I made it through Thanksgiving, but it just wasn't the same without my Grandma... I wanted to see her and hear her.
For the most part, I am strong enough to hold myself together. I rarely fall apart and I make the most of every situation, and try to stay positive. That's all you can do sometimes. I can be positive and keep a smile on my face, even if I really just don't want to. I just do it. Primarily, for my kids... but for everyone else too.
There will always be those moments that kill me inside...
- Like when I want to call her, but can't.
- Like how I can't pick up a crochet hook, knowing the last piece I was working on was for her.
- Like how I can't pick up a paint brush, because I'm afraid of splattering the canvas with paint and tears.
- Like when I just want to give her a hug, but can't.
- Like when I'm at the store and see something she loved.
- Like when Cade points to every single angel he sees, and reminds me his Grandma Goldie is an angel.
- Like when family traditions aren't the same anymore.
- Like how the radio in my van stopped working the day she died. It comes on & off, and everytime it does... It just reminds me of the day she died. It doesn't matter what comes on the radio, I get anxiety and have inner sadness.
I could go on... The list would probably never end.
Life is harsh sometimes, and I don't like it. Things were going okay for a little while. That's how the cycle begins, right? Things are going good then something happens, and everything falls apart.
hey shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
See that bible verse? Let me tell you something... that verse should help ease some of the pain from losing my loved one. Does it? No. Absolutely no bible verse I have found eases the pain I feel inside, nor does it provide comfort to me. My heart is broken. I am broken inside and feel so lost without my Grandma.
Someone told me that Grief is a good thing. Perhaps to a psychologist, it is. It doesn't feel good, so no.. not really.
At this point in my life, Grief is NOT a good thing. Grief is a hindering thing... and Grief is a sorrowful thing that crushes worlds and breaks hearts. Well, at least that is what Grief is to me.
When I grieve, I usually do it alone.
I don't even know why I'm blogging about it... I guess it's because I tend to blog about things people usually don't want to talk about. Grief... well that's a topic that not many want to talk about. Everyone just wants to act like they are strong, and I get that. I do it too. It's okay to fall apart sometimes, though.
Grief is a strange thing.
It forces you to see things that you probably didn't want to see.
Grief forces you to see who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will.
Most of all, grief can consume you- if you let it consume you.
I've had a few amazing years and a few horrible years... 2014 has been a horrible year.
There have been so many terrible life happenings that have came and went. Losing my Grandma was the hardest thing we've endured this year. I'm not happy, but I will try to have a Merry Christmas for my family that is still here to share it with me. But, Christmas will never be the same without her.
I wish I could skip over Christmas. I just want it all done and over with.
I'm always ready for a new year. A fresh new beginning. This year is no different. I just want this crappy year to be over. C'mon 2015...