Tuesday, December 9, 2014

NOT a Merry Christmas this year: Grief

Do you remember last Christmas when I told you that I wasn't in the mood for Christmas and haven't been for a few years? I seem to hate the holidays more every year, and this year? Yeah, I hate this Christmas too. 

The difference? I hate it more. This holiday season is not just the usual crap I hate in December, but also I have the heartache, grief, and pain of my Grandma passing this past September. This Christmas, we will be the heartbroken family struggling to deal with our first Christmas without her. I made it through Thanksgiving, but it just wasn't the same without my Grandma...  I wanted to see her and hear her. 

For the most part, I am strong enough to hold myself together. I rarely fall apart and I make the most of every situation, and try to stay positive. That's all you can do sometimes. I can be positive and keep a smile on my face, even if I really just don't want to. I just do it. Primarily, for my kids... but for everyone else too.   

There will always be those moments that kill me inside...

  • Like when I want to call her, but can't. 
  • Like how I can't pick up a crochet hook, knowing the last piece I was working on was for her.
  • Like how I can't pick up a paint brush, because I'm afraid of splattering the canvas with paint and tears. 
  • Like when I just want to give her a hug, but can't. 
  • Like when I'm at the store and see something she loved. 
  • Like when Cade points to every single angel he sees, and reminds me his Grandma Goldie is an angel. 
  • Like when family traditions aren't the same anymore. 
  • Like how the radio in my van stopped working the day she died. It comes on & off, and everytime it does... It just reminds me of the day she died. It doesn't matter what comes on the radio, I get anxiety and have inner sadness. 

I could go on... The list would probably never end. 

Life is harsh sometimes, and I don't like it. Things were going okay for a little while. That's how the cycle begins, right? Things are going good then something happens, and everything falls apart.

 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

See that bible verse? Let me tell you something... that verse should help ease some of the pain from losing my loved one. Does it? No. Absolutely no bible verse I have found eases the pain I feel inside, nor does it provide comfort to me. My heart is broken. I am broken inside and feel so lost without my Grandma. 

Someone told me that Grief is a good thing. Perhaps to a psychologist, it is. It doesn't feel good, so no.. not really. 

At this point in my life, Grief is NOT a good thing. Grief is a hindering thing... and Grief is a sorrowful thing that crushes worlds and breaks hearts. Well, at least that is what Grief is to me. 

When I grieve, I usually do it alone. 

I don't even know why I'm blogging about it... I guess it's because I tend to blog about things people usually don't want to talk about. Grief... well that's a topic that not many want to talk about. Everyone just wants to act like they are strong, and I get that. I do it too. It's okay to fall apart sometimes, though. 

Grief is a strange thing. 

It forces you to see things that you probably didn't want to see. 

Grief forces you to see who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will.

Most of all, grief can consume you- if you let it consume you.   

I've had a few amazing years and a few horrible years... 2014 has been a horrible year. 

There have been so many terrible life happenings that have came and went. Losing my Grandma was the hardest thing we've endured this year. I'm not happy, but I will try to have a Merry Christmas for my family that is still here to share it with me. But, Christmas will never be the same without her. 

I wish I could skip over Christmas. I just want it all done and over with. 

I'm always ready for a new year. A fresh new beginning. This year is no different. I just want this crappy year to be over. C'mon 2015... 

Note: If you were expecting a positive blog post, which I usually try to do... Sorry. 

I don't sugar-coat my life, and I won't sugar-coat my grief either. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

Sad news, Good news, & Halloween Plans

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd do a quick post. I'm a little upset because I have some stuff I need to put up on the site, but haven't yet. It's been a really rough time for my family (and extended family). My grandma passed away and life after that... just doesn't feel right

As the named 'executor' of her will/final expenses, I am just trying to take care of her things. I have a stack of paperwork and stuff that I've been working on... while still being a mom of 2 hyped-up little boys. So, that's why I've been in hermit-mode.... basically. 

Good News to Report: 

My nephew just turned 3!
Had a Monsters University party for him. If I ever find the time, I'll post that up...

Cas turns 2 on Monday! 
Where has the time gone? I'm having a small party for him on Sunday. Dinosaurs!

Cade is doing amazing. 
I will have to do a whole separate post about all that another time. I'm so proud of him and his progress. He is in a wonderful stage right now. He still has sensory issues and behavioral issues, but we are managing them much better! *happy dance*

Marcus is doing alright.
He works all the time, but we are blessed that he can. Many with Multiple Sclerosis don't recover as much as he has. So, even though he works so much- we are happy that he has the ability to work at all. Also, I am excited that he has been working locally!

Halloween Plans:

Cade wants to be a bee.
I find it very irritating that an "insect" is such a gender-specific choice. Has anyone else noticed that bug costumes are for girls? They are dresses and tutus... Costume-makers, please note: BOYS LIKE BUGS, too! I'm not putting Cade in a dress or a tutu, ever. I found him a different bee costume at Goodwill. It is actually made for an adult (it fits me), but I also wanted to support his choice for his Halloween Costume.  He looks like a fat bumble-bee. Very cute...

Cas will be a dinosaur.
I don't have a picture to share right now... But his costume is adorable. My sister & mom found it at a Goodwill near them for $5! It's awesome.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What's Been Happening in Our Family

I thought I should probably do a blog post, because I have received some concerned emails & comments.

Abiola, thanks so much for your kind email. I read it at one of the worst times during my absence from my blog. I still have a ton of emails to read... see the picture? That's a screenshot of my phone.

I stopped blogging recently, because of a few reasons. I thought I'd give y'all an update about my crazy life.

What's been happening in our family?

1. Keyboard and Mouse

I spilled coffee on my keyboard... and mouse, while I was writing a guest post about Autism Wandering. I cleaned my keyboard, but had to replace my mouse. Took me a week just to get around to buying a new one.

2. My Grandma was in the Hospital

My grandma who is immobile, suffered from severe burns on her face, neck, shoulder, ears about a month ago. It was really bad, if she would have lived alone... she would have burned to death. Thankfully, my mom lives with her and was home at the time.

She had to have a skin graft done. She ended up in the ICU at the hospital for a while, because she has COPD and was having respiratory issues. She is currently in a nursing home for rehabilitation therapy.

3. I thought my Dad was going to die.

My dad has been battling a condition that affects his intestines, they had become infected and had a large abscess. This past Winter, he had surgery that removed part of his intestines... but he was supposed to have another surgery to remove more. Medical Insurance issues delayed his surgery.

He has been in severe pain since his last surgery and finally went to the emergency room. Turns out, they had to do the surgery as soon as possible. There are always risks associated with surgery, of course. After my dad's surgery, he was put into a sedated coma because they couldn't stabilize his breathing, he couldn't breath on his own. He started to have heart failure. He was under sedation for about a week. I thought my dad was going to die....

He is better now, in a nursing home for rehabilitation therapy. He is in a lot of pain, and his intestines aren't put back together. He has a colostomy bag that he will have for the next 6-12 months. At that time, he should go back to have his intestines put back together, basically. As of right now, he is refusing to go back.  

4. My mom totalled her car in an accident. 

This happened when my dad was in the hospital in a coma. My mom drives my sister to & from work each day. My sister's car has been sitting there unable to drive, because someone had drilled into her gas tank and slashed her tires.

I had to step in and help with getting my sister to & from work, and help with getting my mom the places she had to go. Thing is... I live in the West Side of our city, they all live on the East Side. My sister's work is about 30 minutes from my house... Anyways, my sister's car was fixed yesterday and my mom will be borrowing it.

5. Insulation. 

My house was recently insulated. Apparently, my whole first level of my home had NO insulation. So... that's why my house was always so cold and drafty in the Winter. I had to empty out my master closets. Insulating a house is a messy job, the insulators managed to coat my entire bedroom in insulation, as well as all throughout my house.

Now, I have been cleaning EVERYTHING. Insulation makes anyone itchy, because of the fiberglass in it. I'm allergic to insulation, so I've been a walking allergic reaction. Hives, swelling, etc. Just horrible. Thank God for Benadryl...

6. Marcus has been home, gone, home, gone...

In the mix of everything else horrible, Marcus was working out of town. He came home for about 2 days, then he'd leave again for work.

He's currently working in Alaska for a while. This is a photo he sent to me... So beautiful...

7. Fourth of July

Fourth of July came and went. Had a cook-out with a few people. Skipped fireworks downtown because I didn't think Cade would do well with all that commotion. Went to a friend's house for smaller fireworks.

Cade did okay through the whole 'firework thing' until the "Grand Finale". He covered his ears and hid behind a trashcan because it was too much. I'm really glad I didn't take the boys downtown...

8. Appointments, Appointments, Appointments...

In addition to the usual therapy appointments, I had a behavioral specialist and a psychologist come to my home. This was rather disappointing. This was their advice, "You are doing everything right. As far as public... we suggest not taking him out. We wouldn't take a child like Cade out in public."

WHAT? That's the worst advice I have ever been given in regards to my son. Thanks for nothing... To be honest, it was like they killed our HOPE.

Behaviorally, Cade has been regressing and becoming more aggressive. I assumed that there was another approach or tactic or SOMETHING... ANYTHING.... that I could change or do that would help him. For them to tell me that I was doing everything right should feel like a compliment, but it doesn't. It feels like a slap in the face that things aren't going to get better.

As far as them suggesting I not take Cade out in public, what is wrong with them? He is a HUMAN, and I will NOT keep my son confined to our home because society doesn't understand him. Everyone else can continue to judge us and make their rude remarks... I don't care, doesn't bother me....

9. Cade is allergic to Mosquitoes. 

Again, thank God for benadryl...

10. Cas outgrew his food allergies! He can now have milk and soy.

11. I finally painted my nails... 

It's been MONTHS since I painted them. Not the greatest paint job. Really horrible... lol Oh well...

That's what we've been up to.... A LOT. *sigh*

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"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer" Romans 12:12